FUCK THE BACK ROW

so Im still sick. In my boredom, this leads to thoughts of Rocky. I don't know what it will be like when I go back, I am most certainly not the same person I was when I left, and I am not sure if that change is for the better. I've lost a lot of my bullshit tolerance, and my ability to smile and nod in the face of things I don't really want to deal with is shot. This can be both a good thing and a bad thing, but it is certainly not what my old friends are accustomed to seeing in me. Im more confrontational than I used to be, which oddly enough has actually served me well a few times. But at rocky, no one is confrontational, its the place to go to be easy going, and forget the bullshit of the rest of the week. And to wear corsets and fishnets and suck on strangers necks... I miss that. I havent left a good hickey in months. It's startin to wear me down. I want to go to Rocky, I want to experience new casts, and make new friends, but having been gone from BL so long, it seems almost like a betrayal to visit anywhere else. In case your wondering about the odd line this post has taken, it has a lot to do with me not wanting to think about what day it has just recently become. I refuse to give in to thinking and dwelling on it all day long. I think I may just sleep all day so I can miss it.

purple cows and pink monkeys

I went to the doctor today. I have pneumonia, and asthma, and apparently I need to be checked for diabetes. I knew all of this, but I got medicine for it now. yay me. The doctor doesnt want me to start my antibiotics until she runs a pregnancy test. I tried to explain to her that that REALLY wasnt necessary, because I certainly don't qualify to be the next woman to achieve immaculate conception. Oh well, I'll wait. If it makes her happy, whatever. It's probably the first time I've ever taken a pregnancy test and not sat whimpering waiting for the results to come back. Thats nice. Anyway, I really don't have a whole lot to say. Mike's gone, and I'm happy. it's a good thing.

hehehhe its over, and he made me do it

Andi: hi
Michael: hi hun
Andi: how are you?
Michael: is everything ok
Andi: why?
Michael: alright stressed out
Michael: missing you
Andi: it happens
Michael: i love you
Andi: love you too
Michael: i just thought something was wrong cause you never tryed to conntact
Michael: me
Andi: how could I
Michael: true
Andi: you told me you'd call the friday after I got back from MO, and never did
Michael: im sorry im just goin through hell here
Michael: i coundnt the drug me to the feild
Michael: i love you hun
Andi: love you too
Michael: 20 more days
Andi: yup
Michael: are you ok baby
Andi: yup
Andi: tired, pissed off
Michael: pissed ofd at what
Andi: lots of things
Michael: me?
Andi: we'll talk about it when your home
Michael: hun tell me know please
Andi: no mike
Michael: honey please tell me
Andi: not now
Michael: ive been goin nuts not being able to talk to you
Andi: I'm sorry
Michael: you seem so distant
Michael: what did i do
Andi: if you want to talk about this now, I refuse to feel bad about it. I would prefer we wait until you are home
Michael: are you breaking up with me/
Andi: can this please wait
Michael: no because i got a job offer but i dont want to not be with you
Michael: hun please tell me
Andi: please wait Mike
Andi: this isnt how I do things
Michael: andi are you leaving me
Michael: please tell me
Michael: cause i wont come back to michigan if you are
Andi: Mike don't make me do this this way
Michael: damn it just tell me
Michael: what i did
Andi: you lied to me Mike, a lot
Andi: and worse than that the lies were so HORRIBLY unbelievable as to completely insult my intelligence
Andi: Im not stupid. And I dont put up with shit like that
Michael: fine im sorry for all the pain i caused you and you will never hear from me again
Michael: i will never bother you again
Michael: i wont even come back to michigan
Michael: ill find work somewhere
Michael: say something
Andi: like what mike its done
Michael: fine tell mike and bonnie thank you for me
Andi: I havent spoken to them since last time you were here
Michael: im not comeing back ill die in a gutter before i have to come home and face all this pain
Andi: dont think your going to make me whine and forget the bullshit
Michael: itsw my fault i know
Michael: fuck it
Michael: i let the best thing in my life go
Michael: i didnt deserve you anyways
Michael: im sorry andi
Michael: i will always love you
Andi: Did you think I wouldnt figure it out mike?
Andi: Whats worse is I gave you a FUCKING CHANCE to come clean
Andi: I TOLD you what I knew, and if you'd just been honest with me then I would have dropped it
Andi: but you covered it with more lies
Michael: well i guess i will never have a chance at getting you back
Michael: i did im sorry
Andi: no, you wont
Michael: i cant take it back
Michael: and i want you to tell my dad and mom that i love them
Michael: cause im not coming home
Andi: you tell them Mike, this is your choice
Michael: i dont want to let them down again and come home
Michael: im going to arkansas if you ever want to find me
Andi: thats your choice too
Michael: but i doubt you will
Michael: it is and its best for everyone
Michael: im sorry im going to leave you alone now
Andi: okies, bbye
Yahoo! Messenger: luckycowboy83 has logged out. (9/5/2004 12:14 AM)

yay fun

School started again today. Algebra is really no way to start the school year off, but at least this class is mostly review for me. Can you say "easy A"? Haven't heard from Mike in weeks, and I guess it's making what I know I have to do that much easier not to talk to him. I don't even know now what I would say to him if he did talk to me. I wouldn't want to answer his professions of love in the customary manner simply because I just don't feel that way anymore. It's a hard situation, and one I'm glad that I don't have to face at the moment. I haven't been doing anything real interesting. Cris got a car, and she's thrilled. Im happy for her. I know it's been stressing her out trying to save up and find one, and she found a good one. She also told me it will make it to Rocky, which is a definite plus. I don't know for sure though if I want to go to this other cast, Barely Legal was my home for so long that having my return to Rocky anywhere else seems almost Sacreligous. Oh well, if Cris wants to go, and is serious about it, I'm all for it. I'm not one to turn down Rocky. That's really about it.