FUCK THE BACK ROW

so Im still sick. In my boredom, this leads to thoughts of Rocky. I don't know what it will be like when I go back, I am most certainly not the same person I was when I left, and I am not sure if that change is for the better. I've lost a lot of my bullshit tolerance, and my ability to smile and nod in the face of things I don't really want to deal with is shot. This can be both a good thing and a bad thing, but it is certainly not what my old friends are accustomed to seeing in me. Im more confrontational than I used to be, which oddly enough has actually served me well a few times. But at rocky, no one is confrontational, its the place to go to be easy going, and forget the bullshit of the rest of the week. And to wear corsets and fishnets and suck on strangers necks... I miss that. I havent left a good hickey in months. It's startin to wear me down. I want to go to Rocky, I want to experience new casts, and make new friends, but having been gone from BL so long, it seems almost like a betrayal to visit anywhere else. In case your wondering about the odd line this post has taken, it has a lot to do with me not wanting to think about what day it has just recently become. I refuse to give in to thinking and dwelling on it all day long. I think I may just sleep all day so I can miss it.

purple cows and pink monkeys

I went to the doctor today. I have pneumonia, and asthma, and apparently I need to be checked for diabetes. I knew all of this, but I got medicine for it now. yay me. The doctor doesnt want me to start my antibiotics until she runs a pregnancy test. I tried to explain to her that that REALLY wasnt necessary, because I certainly don't qualify to be the next woman to achieve immaculate conception. Oh well, I'll wait. If it makes her happy, whatever. It's probably the first time I've ever taken a pregnancy test and not sat whimpering waiting for the results to come back. Thats nice. Anyway, I really don't have a whole lot to say. Mike's gone, and I'm happy. it's a good thing.

hehehhe its over, and he made me do it

Andi: hi
Michael: hi hun
Andi: how are you?
Michael: is everything ok
Andi: why?
Michael: alright stressed out
Michael: missing you
Andi: it happens
Michael: i love you
Andi: love you too
Michael: i just thought something was wrong cause you never tryed to conntact
Michael: me
Andi: how could I
Michael: true
Andi: you told me you'd call the friday after I got back from MO, and never did
Michael: im sorry im just goin through hell here
Michael: i coundnt the drug me to the feild
Michael: i love you hun
Andi: love you too
Michael: 20 more days
Andi: yup
Michael: are you ok baby
Andi: yup
Andi: tired, pissed off
Michael: pissed ofd at what
Andi: lots of things
Michael: me?
Andi: we'll talk about it when your home
Michael: hun tell me know please
Andi: no mike
Michael: honey please tell me
Andi: not now
Michael: ive been goin nuts not being able to talk to you
Andi: I'm sorry
Michael: you seem so distant
Michael: what did i do
Andi: if you want to talk about this now, I refuse to feel bad about it. I would prefer we wait until you are home
Michael: are you breaking up with me/
Andi: can this please wait
Michael: no because i got a job offer but i dont want to not be with you
Michael: hun please tell me
Andi: please wait Mike
Andi: this isnt how I do things
Michael: andi are you leaving me
Michael: please tell me
Michael: cause i wont come back to michigan if you are
Andi: Mike don't make me do this this way
Michael: damn it just tell me
Michael: what i did
Andi: you lied to me Mike, a lot
Andi: and worse than that the lies were so HORRIBLY unbelievable as to completely insult my intelligence
Andi: Im not stupid. And I dont put up with shit like that
Michael: fine im sorry for all the pain i caused you and you will never hear from me again
Michael: i will never bother you again
Michael: i wont even come back to michigan
Michael: ill find work somewhere
Michael: say something
Andi: like what mike its done
Michael: fine tell mike and bonnie thank you for me
Andi: I havent spoken to them since last time you were here
Michael: im not comeing back ill die in a gutter before i have to come home and face all this pain
Andi: dont think your going to make me whine and forget the bullshit
Michael: itsw my fault i know
Michael: fuck it
Michael: i let the best thing in my life go
Michael: i didnt deserve you anyways
Michael: im sorry andi
Michael: i will always love you
Andi: Did you think I wouldnt figure it out mike?
Andi: Whats worse is I gave you a FUCKING CHANCE to come clean
Andi: I TOLD you what I knew, and if you'd just been honest with me then I would have dropped it
Andi: but you covered it with more lies
Michael: well i guess i will never have a chance at getting you back
Michael: i did im sorry
Andi: no, you wont
Michael: i cant take it back
Michael: and i want you to tell my dad and mom that i love them
Michael: cause im not coming home
Andi: you tell them Mike, this is your choice
Michael: i dont want to let them down again and come home
Michael: im going to arkansas if you ever want to find me
Andi: thats your choice too
Michael: but i doubt you will
Michael: it is and its best for everyone
Michael: im sorry im going to leave you alone now
Andi: okies, bbye
Yahoo! Messenger: luckycowboy83 has logged out. (9/5/2004 12:14 AM)

yay fun

School started again today. Algebra is really no way to start the school year off, but at least this class is mostly review for me. Can you say "easy A"? Haven't heard from Mike in weeks, and I guess it's making what I know I have to do that much easier not to talk to him. I don't even know now what I would say to him if he did talk to me. I wouldn't want to answer his professions of love in the customary manner simply because I just don't feel that way anymore. It's a hard situation, and one I'm glad that I don't have to face at the moment. I haven't been doing anything real interesting. Cris got a car, and she's thrilled. Im happy for her. I know it's been stressing her out trying to save up and find one, and she found a good one. She also told me it will make it to Rocky, which is a definite plus. I don't know for sure though if I want to go to this other cast, Barely Legal was my home for so long that having my return to Rocky anywhere else seems almost Sacreligous. Oh well, if Cris wants to go, and is serious about it, I'm all for it. I'm not one to turn down Rocky. That's really about it.

lies and more lies

I haven't written in forever, not sure why except that it hasn't really occurred to me that I should. I haven't had anything positive to say. To be honest I still don't but I figure who better to take it out on than an audience of strangers. Mr. Perfect has fallen from grace, but I don't think he's aware of it yet. He has told me so many lies in the past month and a half that I now doubt everything he has told me. Some people are willing to look past this, but the things that he told me were so obviously lies that it insults my intelligence. I am not the kind of person who is willing to accept being lied to. I don't want to hear it if it isnt true, and I'm easygoing enough that as long as it's true I dont much care what a person did or didn't do, especially if I love them. I have however fallen out of love, the only problem is I am not the kind of person who writes dear John letters, or makes the phone calls that can break hearts. It's something I think should be done in person, out of respect and a small measure of compassion. I just don't know what is worse, continuing to let him think that all is well for the next month before I can see him, or writing that awful Dear John. Im starting school again this week, and I hope that this semester brings with it some friendly faces. Moving to a new part of the country once you're out of high school is never easy, and it makes developing a social life very difficult. I don't know how long I can tolerate being here. I do now have a very real option of moving to my dads, and I consider it more and more everyday. I just don't want to leave my mom to deal with BS here on her own. I don't know what to do. I know what to do, in general, where mike is concerned. I don't want to hurt him, but I will not tolerate being lied to.
I had a good visit with my dad last month. We went to Niagara Falls, and I finally sat him down and told him everything that was on my mind. I also had a good conversation with Carol, and pretty much resolved the problem that she and I have nurtured for the past 5 years. a 2 week visit can't solve five years of animosity, but it seems to have made a dent. I realize now that it isn't real likely my dad will leave her and stay gone, and it isnt in anyone's best interest for she and I to actively hate eachother. I guess maybe I'm growing up, or at least doing a better job at faking it.

RIP Nick

Family, friends remember Napa teen
Wednesday, June 16, 2004

By CHRIS TRIBBEY
Register City Editor

While Napa police work on reconstructing the accident that killed Napa High student Nick Gruenhagen last week, family and friends of the 16-year-old wrestler remembered a vibrant young man who liked "anything powered by gas" and stayed involved in a variety of Napa community activities.

"There wasn't one person I could name that didn't like him," said 23-year-old Levi Gruenhagen, Nick's brother. "The last time I saw him, I told him I'd wrestle him. I never did. Now, I'd just tell him I love him."

The accident occurred Friday morning on Lincoln Avenue, when Gruenhagen's new motorcycle slammed into the side of a car driven by 69-year-old Napan Analee Chambless, who was treated at Queen of the Valley Hospital over the weekend for multiple lacerations to her face, torso and wrist.

Levi Gruenhagen said Nick had bought the motorcycle two weeks before the accident, and Nick had convinced his parents to let him buy it after saving up several months worth of paychecks from his job at Cinedome Theaters. "He put down the down payment and paid for the insurance. He wanted to pay for it, but (his parents) put the rest on credit," Levi Gruenhagen said.

He added that a week before the accident, Nick was pulled over on the bike in Napa for driving more than 100 mph in a 25 mph zone, but got off with a warning. "I would have given him a ticket," Levi Gruenhagen said.

Napa Police officials could not be reached for comment Tuesday afternoon. It is not yet clear whether excessive speed had anything to do with the fatal accident.

Nick loved cars, bikes and planes, both big and small, Levi Gruenhagen said. Nick had just gotten his private pilot's license, and planned on spending the summer riding dirt bikes, building model cars, and working on his most prized possession: a 1963 Nash Metropolitan car.

"He loved that car more than anything," Levi Gruenhagen said.

Friends and family of the 16-year-old who loved speed and fitness are honoring him this week, painting "RIP Nick" on their car windows, to let the community know how much he will be missed.

Napa High wrestling head coach Gil Schmidt notified Nick's teammates about his death over the weekend, and said several may attend his funeral Friday. "The family was always there to support us. Now we'll be there to support him," Schmidt said.

He remembered a vibrant teen who tried hard at everything he did.

"We lost a family member," Schmidt said. "You get really close to these kids."

Schmidt said that no one on the team was surprised when the teen got his new motorcycle, a Honda 600 F4 I. "Riding a bike was not unique for him. He liked vehicles," he said.

Nick had been working at Cinedome for less than six months, according to coworkers.

"He was a guy who acted nice around everybody. He tried harder than he needed to fit in," said Napa High graduate Peter Stonis, who worked with Nick.

Stonis and other employees at Cinedome remembered Nick being very excited about his new motorcycle, which he rode to work nearly every day.

"He was waiting a long time for that bike. And it took a lot out of his family (financially) to get it for him," Stonis said.

Cinedome employee Stephanie Reynolds said she'll remember Nick as a very charismatic young man who made others around him happy.

"He always made me laugh. And he was nice looking," she said with a smile.

Nick Gruenhagen attended West Park Elementary School, Redwood Middle School and was going to be a senior at Napa High next year. He played in the Napa Youth Soccer League, Napa Recreation Basketball League, Napa Saints Pop Warner Football League, and was on the Napa High football team during his sophomore year.

He was also a member of the Napa High Concert Choir, and planned to attend U.T.I. Technical School in Arizona after he graduated.

The county coroner completed the autopsy of Nick on Monday, determining that the teen died due to multiple traumatic injuries to his chest, according to sheriff's Capt. Mike Loughran. It will take up to three weeks before the county gets back toxicology reports to determine if he had any drugs or alcohol in his system.

"About the only thing he drank was Gatorade. He didn't smoke cigarettes, wouldn't touch drugs ... he wasn't into any of that," Levi Gruenhagen said.

A candlelight vigil for Nick Gruenhagen will be held tonight at 8:30 at the Napa High School quad. His funeral service will be held Friday at First Christian Church, 2659 First St. in Napa, at 11 a.m.

Napa Police are still looking for witnesses to the accident. Anyone with information is asked to call 257-9554.

Mood Swings

wow... it certainly is entertaining to read through my blog when I can point out exactly where the mood swings happened. Sometimes there are several within the same post, and I'm sittin back thinking... "Wow... was a menstrual that day, or was that a manic moment?" of course it could be both. Really not much I want to talk about here. My daddy issues are continuing, but I don't see the need to subject anyone else to it any more than I already have. So I guess I will leave it at that for today.

Daddy Issues

I have come to the conclusion that my father was put on this earth to create lives and then make sure that they are rather thoroughly fucked up. He's good at it too. Not one of his five children, myself included, has managed to reach adulthood without some serious, and I mean SERIOUS, issues. I think my oldest brother and I have it the worst, as far as issues that are obviously daddy related. Sean hates dad. Won't talk to him, at all. Wrote him a letter detailing exactly what kind of piece of shit he is and ended it with a demand not to contact him or his children. Me, I tried the same general thing. Wrote several "don't talk to me" letters I say several because I kept breaking my own decision. I don't know whats harder, trying to carry on some semblance of a relationship with my father, or not speaking to him at all. Im not very good at either. Every promise he has made since I was 14 he has broken. Yes, all of them. He's just recently made another, but I just know that one is going to crumble too. I almost want to tell him nevermind... it hurts less if I break it off before he has the chance, I can't be mad at him for that. I want to sit down, and have a conversation with his girlfriend, and tell her that I'm done trying to fight her for his love. She's won. But I can't find a way to give my speech of defeat without wanting to throw in something horribly catty along the lines of "It must be really great to know that your prize traded his children for you. A great man, that one is" I remember when I was 16 years old he sat on his back porch and told me that if he had to, he'd leave her and go back to the west coast, because nothing is more important than his children. The next time I saw him was more than a year later, when he did. Although his decision to do so had nothing to do with us, and if it weren't for my drunken aunt, who he was staying with, I don't think I would ever have known he was back. He sat in her leaving room while I was on the phone with her wanting to know if he was alive because no number I had for him would reach him, and held up his hands to her, mouthing the words "I'm not here" She broke down in drunken sobs and told him she couldn't lie to this "baby" (that would be me) and threw the phone at him. At this point he acted like nothing had happened and made plans to pick me up for the weekend. When I got there he said he was done with Carol, he was staying on the west coast to watch me grow up. I was 3 weeks from graduating high school. 2 days after I went home he was on a bus back to Missouri, having left instructions for my aunt not to tell me he'd done it until after he left, and not to tell me his new number at all. He missed my graduation. He missed every major milestone in my life. I took to calling him the day before my birthday to remind him when it was, ever since the first year he was gone and he called the day after, which would have been he and my mom's 19th anniversary. Even with the 24 hour warning, he usually failed to call anyway. There hasn't been so much as a birthday card since he left. I kind of figure now that he's made his choice, and it isn't me. I don't know why I still try so damned hard to change his mind. I'm almost 20 years old, and I still cry myself to sleep most nights because my daddy doesn't love me. That shit has to stop sometime, and I don't know how to make it go away. It only gets worse. The extension of that feeling is "my daddy doesn't love me, what makes me think any man can/does/will/should" This thought either leads to long bouts of meaningless one night stands if I'm single, or ending a relationship if Im not. I don't want what my father has done to control my life, but it does. It always has. When I was 11 years old, and he was still daddy, and I was still his little princess, he told me it was my job to make sure he didn't have more than 3 beers a night. I felt like a failure every time he came home from work and downed a six pack before bed. He told me when I was 14 that the business trip he went on wasn't a business trip at all, he'd gone to missouri to spend a weekend with a woman he'd met on the internet. He said he was going to leave my mother after the holidays to be with her, and he was going to take me with him because he loved me. He left on halloween morning, and when he went to missouri, he didn't take me with him. My father has lied to me and hurt me all throughout my teens. And, I'm sure if I allow it, he will continue to do so for the rest of his life. I don't know if he even knows how badly he has hurt me over the years, or how important he could have been in my life. I don't even know if he would care if he did know. He seems to be happy in his new life with carol, and without me. I just wish I knew how not to be daddy's little girl anymore.

Fear and Self-Loathing in Waterford

I am going through a period of self-loathing at the moment. It's hard to watch friendships that were nurtured for years crumble because of distance. A friend of mine in Cali called me a few days ago. Her fiancee had left her, and apparently everyone saw this coming but her. Where a good friend would have sat and felt her pain and cried with her, I spent over an hour resisting the urge to tell her to spare her long distance bill and call someone who cares. Just two days later, another friend called to tell me her husband wants a divorce. I had to fight the very same urge. For the same reasons. No one thought these relationships would work. All the odds said no. In both cases, both parties and been unfaithful, and lied, and lets face it, 15 is entirely too young to know who it is you will spend your life with. If I had settled down with the man I was with at fifteen, I would be miserable now. To compound my feeling that I am emotionally betraying these girls who made up so much of my high school years, after a long conversation with my niece I discovered that she is almost exactly the same person I was at her age. This worries me because I know exactly what kind of person I was in the year that followed. She is better than that. I feel bad because I was always around her then, I was her influence, and now that she's making the same mistakes that I did, I can't help but think that this is my fault. I'm sure her father would agree, but he's blamed every imperfection in her personality on me since she was a baby. it's my fault she's mouthy, it's my fault she curses, it's my fault she tends to be a bit bitchy (that is Seanspeak for outspoken) But from what she tells me it isn't just my influence, but her father as well. She is developing the same kind of issues I had (have) Sean has a new toy, and doesn't pay as much attention to her as he should. But I know what daddy issues lead to too. This doesnt look good, and from half a continent away, I don't know what I can do.

Technical Diffuculties

Ok, haven't written in a while... I assure whoever is out there in blogger land, I was not intentionally neglecting you, I was the victim of technical difficulties. This situation has been remedied, and I am now trying to figure out if I have anything worth while to say... well I have 4 tickets to montgomery gentry friday night, and no one to go with, this is because one stepsister is working, I can't get ahold of the other, and I don't really know anyone else. I hate bein the new kid... it isnt usually this hard to give away concert tickets. I know people who are going but the problem is I only get along with one of them, and he's with the others... that and with rumors flying about my supposed past "relations" with this man, it would not do for me to be spending time with him. I don't want to give Mike ANY reason to think Im doing a single thing in his absence that I wouldn't do with him standing beside me. My sister and I have adopted 4 baby field mice, which we must feed every few hours. ahh the joys of infant animals. but they are SO adorable. really, very very very very very very very very very cute. that's pretty much it. Mike will be home the 28th.. Im very excited. yay!

Resolution

I've been slacking... all is well, I am happy and healthy and still very much in love. Im also very tired.. I just thought I should do at least enough follow up on the last post to clarify that nothing has changed between mike and I, we are fine. as far as the bar goes, I should be able to go back, they just want me to lay low for a little bit. so yeah... crisis over.

Underage Drinking and Waitress Licking

Every minute of every day, something can happen to change your world. Sometimes the change is for the best, sometimes not. Sometimes it's permanent, and sometimes only a temporary inconvenience. This has been a weekend of those moments. At two separate occasions, by two separate people, I have been told something that made my heart drop to my toes. I've lost my social outlet, and I'm afraid I may be losing something infinitely more important than that. I can't go to my bar anymore. They got caught selling to minors, and even though I have never so much as taken a sip of alcohol at that bar, I can't go back. Mike told me today that he may have done something bad. He said he didn't kiss someone else, or sleep with them. He just did a few body shots off of a waitress at the bar. OK, so he didn't kiss her, he just licked alcohol off of her. That makes it all fucking better doesn't it? How can someone do that if they actually love a person? I haven't so much as danced with anyone else since he's been gone, and he's using some chick as a shot glass. Maybe I'm overreacting. Part of me wants to say... well at least he told me about it, he didn't have to, I would never have known. And then I wonder if he was just trying to see what my reaction would be, find out what he could get away with. But that is one hell of a risk to take to test a boundary. Those who know me best are well aware that I am a jealous little bitch, and as a result of most of my boyfriends cheating on me, incredibly suspicious and terrified of having the same thing happen again. Tim got away with it for five months, until he messed up and got one of the others pregnant. Casper never really got away with it, because invariably the other woman would show up on my doorstep at 2 am looking for a fight. Ricky did it the entire time we were together, didn't bother to hide it. Of course I was so afraid of getting my ass kicked that I would never leave. Larry did it, more than once, and I only really found out about how much long after we were over. I don't know about Jason, but I doubt it, the boy was a puppy, and really didn't have a whole lot of friends. At all. Paul did, with Anne. Seth did, with Anne's friend Crystal. I don't think short mike did, just because, well, the boy hasn't been laid in more than 2 years, and there's a reason. I don't think Chris did. We were together every day, he wouldn't have had a whole lot of time. Orion... I don't know or care. I know Garrett didn't, I don't think he ever would do anything like that to anyone. I don't know why I felt the need to make a list. Maybe I'm just dwelling on something I should be trying to forget. I just know I'm hurt, and scared, and confused. I don't know what, if anything, I should do.

Pissy

I don't really want to talk right now. It wouldn't really make a difference.

Commitment by LeeAnn Rimes

What I'm lookin' for
Is a love that's forever
Someone who can capture my soul in a heartbeat
And stay for all time
What I'm prayin' for
Is a match made in Heaven
Someone who will worship my body
And still put his heart on the line

Chorus:
Commitment
Someone who'll go the distance
I need somebody with staying power
Who'll make me go weak in the knees
Commitment
And everything that goes with it
I need honor and love in my life from somebody
Who's playin' for keeps

What I'm searchin' for
Is a man who'll stand by me
Who will walk through the fire
And be my flame in the night
I won't settle for
Less than what I deserve
A friend and a lover who'll love me
For the rest of my life

Chorus

Yeah, I've had promises broken
Three words left unspoken
They just left me achin' for more
But I've fought temptation
I won't be impatient
There's one thing that's worth waiting for

commitment
and everything that goes with it
I need honor and love in my life from somebody
Whos playin for keeps

Chorus

Boring

Today was pretty much just like any other wednesday. I took my brother to school, went back to sleep til it was time to pick him up from school, made dinner, did dishes, and went to the bar. But before I went to the bar I talked to mike... he's coming home on leave the 26th! yay!! 3 weeks, and then I can see him. I cant wait. The bar was dead, I lost miserably at pool, and darts, laughed when Bonnie's Mike sang blue christmas as porky pig, and came home around midnight. now Im here, writing and talkin with Mike on yahoo... not a whole lot to say I guess. yup. Im boring.

Home Piercing dont's and sleep deprivation

last night was... interesting. It began with tryin to pierce my older sister's belly button with a sewing needle (didn't work as planned, we scrapped the idea and shes going to get it pierced at the same time I get my next tat when the taxes come back.) and then I was winding down watchin television at about 2 am when the cell phone rang... unexpected of unexpectedness it was my dear friend Steve from Cali. He was upset when he called, but by the time we hung up (at 6 am... *snore*) his ribs hurt from laughter. at 7 am I took my lil brother to school, and I actually managed to hold it together and stay awake until 11 am (I think that's from the hour and a half of yoga I did this morning... that shit wakes me up quick) I woke up again at 2:30 to pick my bro up from school, came home, did dishes, watched Signs, ate dinner, went and got ice cream, did dishes again, got some cheat codes my lil bro wanted for Vice City, watched TV, and now Im back online blogging to kill time in hopes that mike signs on. I haven't talked to him today at all, I was so spaced out that everytime I thought of calling him I got side tracked, and then there was the time I realized it was 7:30 am when I wanted to call him. Im sure he wouldn't appreciate his phone ringin at 6:30 in the morning, nor do I think his roommates would be real receptive to the idea... so basically Im rambling at this point. I guess that means I should stop subjecting you, my dear readers, to this continued blahness. Im tired...

Blogs- Diaries for everyone to read

You know, I didn't honestly think anyone was reading this... not anymore. What strikes me as odd is that the one person I know for sure has read it in the past few weeks is someone I have never met, or even talked to, although he does apparently live in the same town as I do. Maybe I would have met him had I gone to school here, and maybe not, but as it stands I have not, nor do I have any reason to believe I ever will. Ordinarily it would freak me out that a complete stranger knows my innermost thoughts, and admittedly at first it did, but then I caught myself following the link to this strangers blog, and reading his thoughts as well. I wonder if all this technology is for the best. It makes me feel like Im 6 years old again, sneaking into my big sisters room to find her diary, and looking over my shoulder to make sure Im not caught. At the same time I see this as a tool, a way to find catharsis and even, occaisionally, receive some needed advice from an unbiased observer. so, for anyone out there reading who does not know me, and even those who do, comment away. And thank you again, stranger, for giving me reason to continue typing away and an audience to type to. I am a glutton for attention, shhh dont tell anyone.

Angel Eyes, as performed by the Jeff Healy Band

Girl, you're looking fine tonight,
and every guy has got you in his sights
What you're doing with a clown like me,
is surely one of life's little mysteries

So tonight I'll ask the stars above,
"How did I ever win your love?"
What did I do?
What did I say,
to turn your angel eyes my way?

Well, I'm the guy who never learned to dance,
never even got one second glance
Across a crowded room was close enough,
I could look but I could never touch

So tonight I'll ask the stars above,
"How did I ever win your love?"
What did I do?
What did I say,
to turn your angel eyes my way?

Don't anyone wake me,
if it's just a dream
'Cause she's the best thing,
that's ever happened to me

All you fellows, you can look all you like,
but this girl, you see, she's leavin' here with me tonight

There's just one more thing that I have to know,
if this is love why does it scare me so?
It must be something only you can see,
'cause girl I feel it when you look at me

So tonight I'll ask the stars above,
"How did I ever win your love?"
What did I do?
What did I say,
to turn your angel eyes my way?

Yay for Mike

I know I know, it's been a week. Bad Andi. Anyway... All is well with me, life is good. Mike never ceases to amaze me. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him, but more importantly I can't see myself spending the rest of my life without him. I finally found what I've been looking for all my life, and there is no way in hell I am going to let him go. Things are great at home, and at the bar. School is out for the summer, and I look forward to Mike's visit at the end of June. Im supposed to go to my dad's sometime in July, but it will have to be after mike goes back to oklahoma. I am not missing any time with him. After that hopefully I get to go to oklahoma in August to see him again. and then who knows. Im actually happy, which is wonderful and amazing and a little scary all at once. It's a new experience for me to be with someone who occupies ALL of my waking thoughts. Tim came close, but those thoughts were more along the lines of worrying about who else he was sleeping with. So I guess the new experience is being with someone who pleasantly occupies all of my waking thoughts. yup, that's it. I am insanely happy. That's all for now.

Blah

not much going on with me... all quiet on the homefront so to speak. Im actually in a happy relationship, which is a pretty cool situation, although doesn't make for a whole lot of news, things are going well with family, my grades were basically good, all is well at the bar. It's a good week.